Tuesday, November 02, 2004


After much time and effort and at great expense, the Donut has managed to track down the undecided voter in Florida whose vote will decide today’s US Presidential Election. Here’s the transcript of the phone call this morning:

I am a Donut: Hello, is that Mr Ratzenkatzer?
Ratzenkatzer: Uh, what time is it?
Donut: This is the I am a Donut blog, Mr Ratzenkatzer. From England?
Ratz: England? Where’s that? (er, Honey, what’s the time?…)
Donut: It’s a small island off the coast of Maine.
Ratz: Hey asshole, it’s four in the morning!
Donut: Mr Ratzenkatzer, I understand that you are the final undecided voter in the United States.
Ratz: (I dunno, this guy says he’s selling donuts or something…)
Donut: Hello. Mr Ratzenkatzer. Can I trouble you about how you might be voting in the election?…
Ratz: Erection? You some kind of pervert?
Donut: …for President of the United States.
Donut: Mr Ratzenkatzer? Do you know there is an election?
Ratz: …Election?…
Donut: That’s right, Mr Ratzenkatzer. For President. Bush versus Kerry. Haven’t you seen the lawn signs?
Ratz: Er, I thought those Bush signs were left by gardeners. You know, where they were going to plant a shrub.
Donut: What about Kerry?
Ratz: uh, Kerry? Oh, that’s Spanish for shrub isn’t it? Y’know we gotta lot of high-spanics around here.
Donut: No, Mr Ratzenkatzer. They are the candidates. For President. Leader of the Free World.
Donut: Don’t you watch TV?
Ratz: er, um. What’s a Nader?

UPDATE: Mr Ratzenkatzer said he would vote, but then couldn't decide how to get to the polling station.

In fact, there are nine voters who will decide the election. Their names are:

William H. Rehnquist
John Paul Stevens
Sandra Day O’Connor
Antonin Scalia
Anthony M. Kennedy
David Hackett Souter
Clarence Thomas
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Stephen G. Breyer

:: Posted by pete @ 14:56